The Origin Story of the People Pleaser

“But if I say no, then I will be considered a bad person, which is the last thing I want to be labeled as.”

“I feel like all I do is give, give, and give even more, yet I receive nothing meaningful in return.”

“I’m utterly exhausted and truly feel obligated to say yes and take on yet another task, even when I don’t really want to.”

“If I don’t say yes, I’ll be judged harshly and described as difficult or uncooperative.”

Sound familiar?

The origin story of a people pleaser begins like delicate seedlings in our early childhood, quietly taking root and establishing themselves in our lives. It starts out as a deep-seated desire for parent pleasing, a direct need to be loved and accepted by our parents. As we navigate these formative years, these roots are not merely superficial; they strengthen and grow into something firmly planted in our lives as a survival mechanism, a way to cope with the repeated experiences of shame for having our own needs. It becomes a way we learned to cope with the repression of our emotions and our most authentic selves, all in the name of survival during our childhood. When we internalize the belief that having our own needs isn't allowed or appreciated, we then quickly adapt, shifting our identities to become the person who is needed instead. This is a poignant self-discovery rooted in the realization that, “if I can’t express my needs, then I can be the person to meet my parents' needs for love and validation.” If we start to feel unworthy of having our own needs met, we inevitably discover that our worth is tied solely to meeting the needs of others. So, people pleasing becomes ingrained in us, deeply rooted in the soil of childhood trauma, and is not a pattern that simply emerged out of nowhere, but rather, a complex defense mechanism developed over time.

Ever wondered why some of us just can’t say “no?” It almost feels like a peculiar superpower we didn't ask for. I’ve experienced the exhilarating high of being a parent turned people pleaser, where every nod of approval felt like sunshine on my face. I became drunk on the sweet praise of being needed, constantly striving to make others happy, as if their joy was the ultimate trophy. The reality of it all is that being a people pleaser is often a complicated way for us to manipulate situations, bending ourselves into pretzels to earn love and validation, while keeping ourselves safe from abandonment and rejection.

We aren’t truly showing our authentic selves; instead, we’re parading around as the part of us that has received an awful lot of accolades. In a misogynistic culture, being selfless is often touted as the highest praise for being a woman. It’s championed by those who benefit the most from our sacrifices. We might find ourselves juggling everyone's needs and desires because, deep down, we’re practically wired that way, almost as if it's ingrained in our very fabric. The origins of a people pleaser can be traced back to our childhood, those formative years that intricately shaped the cute little peculiarities of our adult selves, influencing how we navigate our relationships and self-worth today.

The Early Red Flags

Many people pleasers emerge from households where approval was conditional and often elusive. Think of it like this: “I love you, but…” was the mantra of our upbringing, echoing in our minds as a constant reminder of the precarious balance we had to maintain. If we picked up on this unsettling vibe, we likely learned that our worth hinged not just on who we are, but predominantly on our ability to please others around us. A lost toy, for example, became a source of conflict and anxiety instead of being a simple learning opportunity, and affection was something that had to be earned, not freely given as an unconditional gift. When we’re raised in an environment where keeping the peace is paramount, we start to unconsciously take it upon ourselves to smooth over the rough patches and ease tensions. We play the role of the emotional firefighter, tirelessly dousing flames of discomfort, resentment, and chaos that threaten our carefully constructed world. The unintentional outcome? We become a true Pro at suppressing our own needs and feelings, often at the expense of our own emotional well-being.

The Quest for Approval

As we grow and navigate through life, that initial quest for approval gradually transforms into a more instinctual and often overwhelming need. We find ourselves saying “yes” to every single request that comes our way, even if it means sacrificing our own well-being and becoming the quintessential human doormat. The fear of rocking the boat or disappointing others grips us tighter than our favorite pair of fluffy, fuzzy slippers. After all, who doesn’t yearn to feel loved and accepted? It is an inherent human need to cultivate connections and bonds with others.

As children, we cleverly learned ways to safely gain that all-important connection, even at the expense of our own desires and needs. If boundaries didn’t exist in our upbringing, or if they were extremely enmeshed, it’s likely our parents were not even aware of their own unconscious patterns. This unawareness reinforced and perpetuated the handing down of that fragmented aspect of ourselves, leading us to become people pleasers.

In the high-speed whirlwind of adulting, it’s all too easy to lose our authentic voice while desperately trying to gain approval or acceptance from those around us. However, we might be surprisingly enlightened to discover that some of this instinctual, automatic behavior could stem from a much deeper emotional space—think abandonment issues or pervasive feelings of low self-esteem. The "people pleaser" identity often functions as a shield; if everyone else around us is happy, perhaps we can successfully deflect attention away from our own inner hurt and turmoil.

I don’t know about you, but there was undeniably a time when I thrived on the role of the people pleaser, all in an effort to avoid confronting my own internal black hole of turmoil and chaos. If I stayed busy and engaged in being needed by others, then I didn’t have to face the stark reality of not being able to even meet my own fundamental needs. It simply wasn’t modeled for me in a healthy way. I had to confront and disrupt this pattern on my own terms. It truly was quite the transformative journey. Learning that I could be discerning with my “yes” responses was an internal battle, a showdown between my most wise adult self and the younger parts of me, those fearful of abandonment and painful rejection. I like to say it worked until it didn’t work anymore. That’s when it changed for me.

The Heavy Lifting of People Pleasing

Picture this: your to-do list is longer than a CVS receipt, and yet here you are, saying “yes” to every request that comes your way. Why? Because pleasing others has somehow become a badge of honor—a trophy we wear even when it feels like a noose around our neck. This juggling act of prioritizing others can feel like a circus, where you’re both the performer and the audience, cheering on that inner clown while secretly wishing for a Netflix binge in your PJs.

As we strive to make everyone else happy, we often forget that we have needs too. The “giving tree” may look serene, but inside, it’s a tempest of unacknowledged feelings swirling around like a bunch of lost balloons. Every compliment that lands on our shoulders feels like a feather; lovely in the moment but feeling paltry when the weight of our own insecurities keeps pushing us down.

And let’s talk about that guilt. Ah, yes, the ever-present buddy that accompanies self-care. There’s a voice that whispers, “How could you take a break when there’s so much to do?” It feeds into our internal narrative that tells us we’re selfish if we prioritize our own well-being. If you don’t refill your own cup, how the hell will you serve anyone else?

Let’s flip the script here. What if, instead of scrolling to see how others are living their best lives, you paused to celebrate your own? Plot twist: it’s not selfish to want to shine too. It’s okay—and necessary—to reclaim your time, your energy, and your joy. It’s time to wear your quirks like confetti instead of a cloak of guilt. Give yourself permission to be a work in progress. Because when you stop hustling for approval, you’ll find something even more precious: the approval you’ve been waiting to give yourself.

Making the Shift

So how do we ultimately ditch the people-pleasing gig for good? Start by recognizing the moment when the urge to please rears its head like an unwelcome guest at a party. Are we saying “yes” out of a sense of obligation, or is it coming from a genuine desire to help? By saying yes, we might be avoiding the critical work that needs to happen within ourselves. It’s easy to find a reason, any reason, to avoid changing the narrative or shifting those ingrained patterns. It takes an immense amount of courage to go inward and offer ourselves the compassion and empathy we so freely give to others, especially for how hard that part of us worked to keep us safe from feelings of rejection. Remember, a basic human right is having a need, and it’s absolutely essential to begin to trust that having a need is entirely allowed. A need doesn’t have to be perceived as a betrayal of our inherently kind spirit; rather, it can be viewed as a valuable aspect of our humanity. Shift your perspective: Saying “no” can truly be an act of radical self-love. The road to recovery might be bumpy, often covered in the potholes of guilt and second-guessing, but with heightened awareness and consistent practice, we can begin to reclaim our voices and our power. Set those boundaries with confidence, practice self-care as a daily ritual, and most importantly, allow yourself the grace to be imperfect in this journey.

Let’s normalize the fear and feeling scared of stepping out of the people pleaser role, and the inevitable change that comes with it. Think about all of the things we have ever attempted in life; whether it’s navigating school, forging new friendships, trying a sport, learning the ropes of a new job, or even trying out a complicated recipe for the first time; it all takes practice, and every endeavor has a learning curve. Becoming less of a people pleaser doesn’t mean we stop caring; instead, it means we begin to care for our own well-being too. The world needs every person’s genuine self—black hole and all—much more than it needs a frazzled version of us running on empty.

Let’s embark on this journey to redefine your worth from the inside out. Ready, set, take a deep breath. It’s time to unleash the real you and let yourself be wildly authentic and shine!