NO is a complete sentence.
No is a complete sentence. Shocking. I know. When I first learned about boundaries in my twenties, I was flabbergasted that NO was a completely acceptable answer. I thought my therapist was delusional. “You think only saying No is sufficient? Have you met my parents? I’ll need a dissertation!” The thought of saying NO, caused a visceral feeling in my gut shooting up into my throat that felt like something was lodged in there, while my body felt shaky. What if they get angry? What if I disappoint them or hurt their feelings? The panic and fear was real. I wanted to jump out of my own skin when I thought about saying NO. It felt like a life or death situation.
I didn’t get the memo growing up how boundaries are designed to show others how we want to be treated. They’re guidelines that help us navigate relationships and prioritize our well-being. Establishing boundaries empowers us to say NO without guilt and say YES to what feels right. Honoring our boundaries helps us feel empowered, build better relationships, and become a stronger version of ourselves. Boundaries is more than a skill — it’s a way to love ourselves and show others how we want to be treated. It turned out for me to say NO as a complete sentence; I had to learn both the skill AND self trust.
The Fucked-Up Blueprint
My parents received a defective blueprint for boundaries and lacked the awareness to challenge it. How they handled boundaries in our family mirrored how they had to navigated their own family systems and life. It was FUBAR: Fucked Up Beyond All Repair. They were parent pleasers turned people pleasers, which they generously bestowed the How to Be a Doormatgift to me upon birth. Thank you so much, can I give it back?
We looked like a tight knit family. The reality was we weren’t close; we were fifty shades of enmeshed and codependent. I can see that now. When I was a child, all I knew was I’d get in trouble if I didn’t obey and comply. YES made me the perfect daughter. NO caused them to be angry. If I made them angry, then I was a bad daughter. It was black and white, with no inbetween.
NO was considered defiant. It wasn’t honored as an act of self will and autonomy. NO got me punished. YES gave me praise. They didn’t foster healthy, clear boundaries and budding autonomy. It was about compliance and obedience. I was a baby duckling expected to fall in line to waddle behind its mother for life.
My parents wanted a compliant and well-behaved child. This allowed them the perk to smile and bask in the compliments of being great parents. There wasn’t mention or talk about boundaries. There were no invisible lines I drew around myself to show them how I wanted to be treated. I had no idea that was an option. Nor did they. It was like the rule my dad had for dinner. “You have two choices. Eat what’s in front of you or don’t eat at all.” Welcome to the family, you in or out? One lets you fit in, the other put you on the outs in heaps of trouble. When I finally rolled into therapy, I felt like the exploding brain emoji learning about boundaries.
Understanding Boundaries
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” –Prentis Hemphill
Healthy Boundaries in Families
Establishing healthy family boundaries is like creating a beautiful garden where each person can thrive while respecting the needs of others. It’s seeing each family member as a unique plant — some may need more sunlight, while others prefer the cozy shade, some are wild and others are whimsical. By clearly communicating our feelings and limits, we cultivate a respectful environment that encourages growth and understanding. Healthy boundaries help prevent misunderstandings and resentment, allowing each person to express themselves authentically. When everyone knows their space and feels secure, it fosters stronger connections, empowers individuality, and creates a nurturing atmosphere where love can flourish without drowning in chaos. In a healthy system, the family evolves as we grow and evolve; it’s fluid and flexible. We can feel safe in being accepted for who we are with a deep sense of belonging.
Enmeshment
Enmeshment occurs when a parent’s emotional needs overshadow and overwhelm a child’s growth and autonomy, creating an unhealthy bond that significantly impacts the child’s evolving sense of self. Children raised in these environments grapple knowing who they are and often fail to distinguish their own feelings and emotions from those of their parent’s. The implications are far-reaching, they don’t learn what healthy boundaries look like and may come to perceive the word NO as a hurtful or unacceptable response.
My childhood created a tangled web of connections that became incredibly difficult to untangle when I entered adulthood. The boundaries between my parents and me were blurred and indistinct. The lines of identity became heavily distorted, leading to a host of significant challenges — such as trouble in establishing a strong sense of personal self, autonomy and low self-esteem, which took a toll on my overall well-being. There was a deeply ingrained compulsion to prioritize the feelings and needs of others over my own. I didn’t know I could set a boundary to show others how I wanted to be treated and needed. This complicated every relationship — friendship, romantic, work, family- adding layers of confusion to discovering my own identity as a person.
Adults who experienced enmeshment find themselves caught in a constant and exhaustive battle between a deep-seated need for meaningful connection and the paralyzing fear of showing true vulnerability to others. There is a heavy burden we carry, laced with guilt, shame, fear, and an insatiable need for external validation from those around us. Recognizing these deeply ingrained patterns and actively addressing them can pave the way for cultivating healthier, more fulfilling relationships and ultimately fostering a more authentic sense of self.
Healthy Boundaries Require Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence within a family system plays a critical role in fostering healthy, supportive relationships. It involves recognizing, understanding, and managing one’s own emotions, as well as empathizing with the feelings of others. When family members cultivate emotional intelligence, they create an environment where open communication and vulnerability thrive, allowing each individual to express their needs without fear of judgment. This practice not only strengthens bonds but also equips the family to navigate conflicts with grace, leading to deeper connections and a shared sense of emotional safety. Ultimately, emotional intelligence transforms a house into a home where every voice matters and love flourishes. Boundaries are honored and parents are able to help children learn how to navigate the word NO. Parents help process boundaries. Children learn that being refused doesn’t reflect their worth or desirability; rather, it’s a normal part of human interaction. This understanding fosters emotional maturity and encourages them to express their own needs and opinions clearly while navigating social dynamics.
Just Sweep it Under the Rug
Emotional intelligence in dysfunctional families feels like trying to untangle three endless balls of yarn, each twist and knot representing the complexity of unspoken feelings and miscommunication. Members navigate a landscape filled with hidden agendas and suppressed emotions, cultivating a sharp sensitivity to the vibes of others but struggling to articulate their own experiences effectively. This disconnect creates an emotional desert, where resentment simmers beneath the surface, leading to isolation that can feel suffocating.
My family thrived on the “just sweep it under the rug” method. It was a survival mechanism for them. Looking deeper meant confronting uncomfortable truths that threatened the fragile balance of the family dynamic. Change is scary. It can feel like inviting chaos into a structure made out of popcycle sticks. The status quo, no matter how toxic, was safer than the uncertainty that came with honesty and vulnerability.
NO Doesn’t Make Me Bad
Who knew learning to say two little letters pushed together that spelled NO was one of the hardest skills I’d have to learn for myself?
Learning boundaries felt like trying to knit a sweater with spaghetti — messy, confusing, and definitely not at all what I had envisioned in my mind. What fresh hell is this? I was raised to be the “yes girl,” the one who didn’t say NO, regardless of how I felt. The world was my stage, and I played a role that didn’t reflect my true self. Each time I uttered an obligatory, YES, it felt like a piece of my authentic self was chipped and tucked away, buried under layers of expectations.
I resented people who easily said NO, while I felt stuck saying YES. This resentment led me to desire the same freedom to say NO. Each time I learned I could say NO, I uncovered a layer of self-worth hidden in that black hole within me. Saying NO became empowering, like firing a cannonball through the walls of my upbringing; shattering compliance and enmeshment. I learned to stop doing the emotional labor for others when I asserted myself. Trusting myself meant embracing my own discomfort, and letting others manage their emotions however they wanted.
“IwantosayyesbuthavetosaynobecauseIhavetoscrubmytoiletanddo384errandsandIfeelsobad.”
If I were to say NO, my fear was the pause that came after. To avoid the potential fear of the awkward pause, my words became a derailed runaway train without any space to breath. I rattled off a massive word dump to provide a legitimate reason so the other person didn’t feel bad. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. I realized that setting them wasn’t the issue — it was my fear of how others saw me, their reactions, and dealing with my own feelings AFTER I said no. It reached a point where I could state the boundary, and there was a part of me that wanted to hide in fear of pushback. It took time to get comfortable in the discomfort. It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. That’s roughly ten years. I wondered if that counted for setting boundaries. But instead of 10,000 hours, it’s 10,000 times. And instead of ten years, maybe it’s a lifetime.
Truth Bomb
It was easier to complain about being forced or obligated to say YES and focus on others’ feelings instead of tuning into my own. I had to get sick of my own shit in order to step into action. It was the fear of being told I was selfish, mean, or whatever BS I heard, that held me back. I had to sit in my own discomfort of feelings when I said NO and not follow it up with the world’s longest soliloquy. It was also understanding that just because I said NO didn’t mean the other person would repsect it. I had to learn for myself that was a them problem and not a me problem. It required a ton of therapy to help me understand and deconstruct the ingrained patterns to have a better life. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Setting a boundary didn’t make me a bad person. Now say that 10,000 more times.
Fostering Trust Within the Self
When we feel safe to say NO, we build trust in ourselves and our relationships. We learn to express discomfort with friends, family, or partners, which is key to fostering a culture that values consent. In a world filled with pressure to please others, saying no becomes a radical act of self-care, allowing us to step away from draining obligations and stay true to our values. By valuing our needs and sense of self through the practice of saying NO, we learn to become more discerning with our YES. This facilitates real choice.
When we say YES, we show that we are fully engaged and ready to embrace what fulfills us. Regardless of age, it’s important to recognize and accept NO is critical for understanding boundaries and consent. It helps us respect our own feelings and limits, as well as those of others, laying the groundwork for healthy relationships.
Long-term Benefits
Adults who set boundaries create healthier relationships based on mutual agreement and respect. Saying NO is more than just a word; it shapes how we understand respect, independence, and kindness in our relationships. In a society that encourages conformity, standing up for ourselves feels bold. Being authentic means being honest about our feelings, but attachment often comes from fearing we’ll let others down. We may worry about what people will think or fear upsetting someone. For women with mixed self-esteem, this challenge can be hard. We often conceal our true selves behind the“I have it all together” mask and overlook the power of saying NO.
Our identities can fade in relationships while we chased others’ expectations. Choosing to be our true self instead of clinging to others helps us regain our strength, to stand strong in our boundaries. Saying NO is self-love; it lets us focus on what matters instead of exhausting ourselves for others. When we stop over-explaining, we build a stronger sense of self. Saying NO isn’t rejecting someone; it’s about finding what feels right for us. Let’s celebrate those times when we set boundaries. They connect us to ourselves first. Living authentically creates real self-esteem, blending strength and softness, proving that saying NO can be empowering. Let go of the fear of disappointing others. NO is enough. NO is a complete sentence.
The Origin Story of the People Pleaser
“But if I say no, then I will be considered a bad person, which is the last thing I want to be labeled as.”
“I feel like all I do is give, give, and give even more, yet I receive nothing meaningful in return.”
“I’m utterly exhausted and truly feel obligated to say yes and take on yet another task, even when I don’t really want to.”
“If I don’t say yes, I’ll be judged harshly and described as difficult or uncooperative.”
Sound familiar?
The origin story of a people pleaser begins like delicate seedlings in our early childhood, quietly taking root and establishing themselves in our lives. It starts out as a deep-seated desire for parent pleasing, a direct need to be loved and accepted by our parents. As we navigate these formative years, these roots are not merely superficial; they strengthen and grow into something firmly planted in our lives as a survival mechanism, a way to cope with the repeated experiences of shame for having our own needs. It becomes a way we learned to cope with the repression of our emotions and our most authentic selves, all in the name of survival during our childhood. When we internalize the belief that having our own needs isn't allowed or appreciated, we then quickly adapt, shifting our identities to become the person who is needed instead. This is a poignant self-discovery rooted in the realization that, “if I can’t express my needs, then I can be the person to meet my parents' needs for love and validation.” If we start to feel unworthy of having our own needs met, we inevitably discover that our worth is tied solely to meeting the needs of others. So, people pleasing becomes ingrained in us, deeply rooted in the soil of childhood trauma, and is not a pattern that simply emerged out of nowhere, but rather, a complex defense mechanism developed over time.
Ever wondered why some of us just can’t say “no?” It almost feels like a peculiar superpower we didn't ask for. I’ve experienced the exhilarating high of being a parent turned people pleaser, where every nod of approval felt like sunshine on my face. I became drunk on the sweet praise of being needed, constantly striving to make others happy, as if their joy was the ultimate trophy. The reality of it all is that being a people pleaser is often a complicated way for us to manipulate situations, bending ourselves into pretzels to earn love and validation, while keeping ourselves safe from abandonment and rejection.
We aren’t truly showing our authentic selves; instead, we’re parading around as the part of us that has received an awful lot of accolades. In a misogynistic culture, being selfless is often touted as the highest praise for being a woman. It’s championed by those who benefit the most from our sacrifices. We might find ourselves juggling everyone's needs and desires because, deep down, we’re practically wired that way, almost as if it's ingrained in our very fabric. The origins of a people pleaser can be traced back to our childhood, those formative years that intricately shaped the cute little peculiarities of our adult selves, influencing how we navigate our relationships and self-worth today.
The Early Red Flags
Many people pleasers emerge from households where approval was conditional and often elusive. Think of it like this: “I love you, but…” was the mantra of our upbringing, echoing in our minds as a constant reminder of the precarious balance we had to maintain. If we picked up on this unsettling vibe, we likely learned that our worth hinged not just on who we are, but predominantly on our ability to please others around us. A lost toy, for example, became a source of conflict and anxiety instead of being a simple learning opportunity, and affection was something that had to be earned, not freely given as an unconditional gift. When we’re raised in an environment where keeping the peace is paramount, we start to unconsciously take it upon ourselves to smooth over the rough patches and ease tensions. We play the role of the emotional firefighter, tirelessly dousing flames of discomfort, resentment, and chaos that threaten our carefully constructed world. The unintentional outcome? We become a true Pro at suppressing our own needs and feelings, often at the expense of our own emotional well-being.
The Quest for Approval
As we grow and navigate through life, that initial quest for approval gradually transforms into a more instinctual and often overwhelming need. We find ourselves saying “yes” to every single request that comes our way, even if it means sacrificing our own well-being and becoming the quintessential human doormat. The fear of rocking the boat or disappointing others grips us tighter than our favorite pair of fluffy, fuzzy slippers. After all, who doesn’t yearn to feel loved and accepted? It is an inherent human need to cultivate connections and bonds with others.
As children, we cleverly learned ways to safely gain that all-important connection, even at the expense of our own desires and needs. If boundaries didn’t exist in our upbringing, or if they were extremely enmeshed, it’s likely our parents were not even aware of their own unconscious patterns. This unawareness reinforced and perpetuated the handing down of that fragmented aspect of ourselves, leading us to become people pleasers.
In the high-speed whirlwind of adulting, it’s all too easy to lose our authentic voice while desperately trying to gain approval or acceptance from those around us. However, we might be surprisingly enlightened to discover that some of this instinctual, automatic behavior could stem from a much deeper emotional space—think abandonment issues or pervasive feelings of low self-esteem. The "people pleaser" identity often functions as a shield; if everyone else around us is happy, perhaps we can successfully deflect attention away from our own inner hurt and turmoil.
I don’t know about you, but there was undeniably a time when I thrived on the role of the people pleaser, all in an effort to avoid confronting my own internal black hole of turmoil and chaos. If I stayed busy and engaged in being needed by others, then I didn’t have to face the stark reality of not being able to even meet my own fundamental needs. It simply wasn’t modeled for me in a healthy way. I had to confront and disrupt this pattern on my own terms. It truly was quite the transformative journey. Learning that I could be discerning with my “yes” responses was an internal battle, a showdown between my most wise adult self and the younger parts of me, those fearful of abandonment and painful rejection. I like to say it worked until it didn’t work anymore. That’s when it changed for me.
The Heavy Lifting of People Pleasing
Picture this: your to-do list is longer than a CVS receipt, and yet here you are, saying “yes” to every request that comes your way. Why? Because pleasing others has somehow become a badge of honor—a trophy we wear even when it feels like a noose around our neck. This juggling act of prioritizing others can feel like a circus, where you’re both the performer and the audience, cheering on that inner clown while secretly wishing for a Netflix binge in your PJs.
As we strive to make everyone else happy, we often forget that we have needs too. The “giving tree” may look serene, but inside, it’s a tempest of unacknowledged feelings swirling around like a bunch of lost balloons. Every compliment that lands on our shoulders feels like a feather; lovely in the moment but feeling paltry when the weight of our own insecurities keeps pushing us down.
And let’s talk about that guilt. Ah, yes, the ever-present buddy that accompanies self-care. There’s a voice that whispers, “How could you take a break when there’s so much to do?” It feeds into our internal narrative that tells us we’re selfish if we prioritize our own well-being. If you don’t refill your own cup, how the hell will you serve anyone else?
Let’s flip the script here. What if, instead of scrolling to see how others are living their best lives, you paused to celebrate your own? Plot twist: it’s not selfish to want to shine too. It’s okay—and necessary—to reclaim your time, your energy, and your joy. It’s time to wear your quirks like confetti instead of a cloak of guilt. Give yourself permission to be a work in progress. Because when you stop hustling for approval, you’ll find something even more precious: the approval you’ve been waiting to give yourself.
Making the Shift
So how do we ultimately ditch the people-pleasing gig for good? Start by recognizing the moment when the urge to please rears its head like an unwelcome guest at a party. Are we saying “yes” out of a sense of obligation, or is it coming from a genuine desire to help? By saying yes, we might be avoiding the critical work that needs to happen within ourselves. It’s easy to find a reason, any reason, to avoid changing the narrative or shifting those ingrained patterns. It takes an immense amount of courage to go inward and offer ourselves the compassion and empathy we so freely give to others, especially for how hard that part of us worked to keep us safe from feelings of rejection. Remember, a basic human right is having a need, and it’s absolutely essential to begin to trust that having a need is entirely allowed. A need doesn’t have to be perceived as a betrayal of our inherently kind spirit; rather, it can be viewed as a valuable aspect of our humanity. Shift your perspective: Saying “no” can truly be an act of radical self-love. The road to recovery might be bumpy, often covered in the potholes of guilt and second-guessing, but with heightened awareness and consistent practice, we can begin to reclaim our voices and our power. Set those boundaries with confidence, practice self-care as a daily ritual, and most importantly, allow yourself the grace to be imperfect in this journey.
Let’s normalize the fear and feeling scared of stepping out of the people pleaser role, and the inevitable change that comes with it. Think about all of the things we have ever attempted in life; whether it’s navigating school, forging new friendships, trying a sport, learning the ropes of a new job, or even trying out a complicated recipe for the first time; it all takes practice, and every endeavor has a learning curve. Becoming less of a people pleaser doesn’t mean we stop caring; instead, it means we begin to care for our own well-being too. The world needs every person’s genuine self—black hole and all—much more than it needs a frazzled version of us running on empty.
Let’s embark on this journey to redefine your worth from the inside out. Ready, set, take a deep breath. It’s time to unleash the real you and let yourself be wildly authentic and shine!